THE TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only fifteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup - it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the War of Northern Aggression?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino at Starbucks tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: drive.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate.

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!