Read only when uncontrollable laughter will not cause significant impact.

ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket
Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion
was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little "something extra" for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to
explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face
of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with
this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I
was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading glasses perched delicately on
the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a
one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be
wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't
do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

(&# %&) (# %) (&#*#*)!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through
the side door, picked me up in the recliner and then
body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The
cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
yourself with a taser, one note of caution:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A ONE-SECOND BURST
when you zap yourself!!!
You will not let go of that thing until it
is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative.

That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles and offering a
significant reward for their safe return.
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