All those sissy-*ss "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b*astard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get. (You big baby.)

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. (Feel free to do the same to me, I fall alot.)

9. When you need a kidney - I will search the web for you.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel. Have shovel, can travel.