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The perspicacious Dragnet, sent this collection of hard truths...

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause
any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not by
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are
so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your
X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean
to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name
on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple
of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do
they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older
women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried
about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure
she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely
out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody
was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer,
Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie
were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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