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This was recently posted on Facebook by one of my sons and (most of the time) it made
me laugh. I thought I'd share it...

My Italian/Sicilian Mother

DISCLAIMER: For the easily offended...this is a satirical and somewhat fictitious article
that was written by me. My mother thought it was funny, my brother and sister will find
it hilarious (and spot-on), and wherever she is, my grandmother is probably enjoying
the fact that grandchildren are the best revenge against your kids.

Nobody loves you like your mother. I have heard of people not having close relationships
with parents, which I am sad to hear about. I get it, though–everyone is different and
everyone’s upbringing had its own uniqueness to it. However, there are common threads
that all of us collectively understand whenever someone talks about how strict their mother
or father was, as well as what we probably did to earn them to be even more strict than
they were or needed to be.

And then there are Italian mothers...especially those who are part Sicilian, like mine. I’m
not certain that they all similarly share the following traits, but I have to believe it can’t
be too far off...

The hardest surface on Earth happens to be the best friend of girls–Diamonds. The surface
of a diamond happens to have the hardest naturally-occurring surface on the planet. That
is, if you don’t count the head of an Italian/Sicilian. The diamond wouldn’t stand a chance.
A tennis ball could get to the moon with one good ricochet.

The longest river on Earth is the Amazon River, which checks in at 4,345 miles. If you put
that next to the memory of an Italian/Sicilian mother, the Amazon river by comparison is
similar to the water that flows down the street from your driveway when you’re draining
your swimming pool.

They remember everything, and I mean everything and all of it. Don’t even try arguing a
point or disagreeing with hers. Don’t do it.

Nothing on Earth is thicker than Tar Pitch, which is 2 million times the viscosity of honey.
It is so thick that it took 86 years for 8 drips to come from it. If you try winning an argument
with your Italian/Sicilian mother, you will find that tar pitch is like water next to her resolve.
Try as hard as you can, you will not change her mind. It’s like trying to win a staring contest
with a mannequin. Remember what I said about the Amazon River. Don’t do it.

The worst pain a person can endure, according to research, could happen if stung by the
venomous Bullet Ant. I’m sure a toothache or the passing of kidney stones rank fairly high
on the list as well, but the pain of all three combined do not add up to a comparison with
what happens if you don’t do whatever your Italian/Sicilian mother asked you to do. Do not
call it nagging, as they do not like that. Or call it whatever you want, but for the love of God,
just make it stop! You’d find less pain in getting your front tooth drilled without Novocaine
or taking a hot branding iron to the back side of your left knee.

You’d be better off fighting with a Honey Badger than an Italian/Sicilian mother. “Honey Badger
don’t care” as the saying goes, as it will take on predators three times its size or weight, and
will win almost every battle. An Italian/Sicilian mother with a wooden spoon and thick-soled
wooden sandals? With or without the rolling pin, I’m taking her.

The strongest bite belongs to the crocodile, which has been measured at 3700 pounds per
square inch. That’s actually a mosquito bite next to the Italian/Sicilian mother when it comes
to defending her family.

The summit of the volcano Chimborazo in Ecuador is the highest point on Earth–yes, even
higher than the top of Mount Everest. You will have to travel there if you ever cross an
Italian/Sicilian mother...they will travel that high to get you, believe it.

In the words of my grandmother, repeated at times by my mother, the battle cry when all
else fails: “I gave you life, what more do you want?”

I’m thankful, lucky, and blessed to have a mother who fits that description. Even when she’s
in the process of... well, being my Italian/Sicilian mother!
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