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From the perspicacious Dragnet, on the subject of Rodney Dangerfield...

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite
in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,"Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I
asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear those
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from
a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't
have had anything to play with.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She
told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came
with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said
to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of
my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me
find my parents.
I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know, kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking
how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and
I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in
the electric chair.
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