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Miscellaneous Quotes

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep.
Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
- Bob Monkhouse

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed
entirely of lost airline luggage.
- Mark Russell

First the doctor told me the good news. I was going to have a disease
named after me.
- Steve Martin

Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it, but only you
get the warm feeling it brings.
- Robert Bloch

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what
I start. So far, I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I
feel better already.
- Dave Barry

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the F word? Get
another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "BINGO."
- Anonymous

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
- Anonymous

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- Oscar Wilde
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