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GOD ON THE SUBJECT OF LAWN CARE

GOD to ST.FRANCIS :
Frank... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on
down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these
green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your
flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees;
only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really
want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin
each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must
make the Suburbanites happy.

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does
grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain
and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they
drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it
and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of
genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty
and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural
cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the
leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the
soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch.
They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of
the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a story about...

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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