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The Wit and Wisdom Of Steve Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean
would be if that didn't happen.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

I have a Fax machine, I have Fax waiting.

For a while, I was in the centrifugal air force. Came home dizzy every night.

If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger?

You never know what you have until it's gone. I wanted to know what I had,
so I got rid of everything.

My school colors were clear. "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

I'm staying in an old hotel, they sent me a wake up letter.

One time I stayed in a hotel, the pool was on the 23rd floor. Couldn't believe
how deep it was.

I was walking home one day, I accidentally fell asleep in somebody's satellite
dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

I have several theories of things and stuff. My theory of evolution? I think
Darwin was adopted.

One time I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish.

I'm working on a campaign to take all of the salt out of the oceans, cause I
think the fish are getting high-blood pressure.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing, so I put my phone inside my fish
tank. I can't hear it anymore, but I can tell when I get a call because the fish
go back and forth. I go down to the pet store, "Give me another ten guppies,
I got a lot of calls yesterday."

I'm taking Lamaze classes. No one is having a baby, I'm just having trouble
breathing.

Every day, I like to put a little time aside, and forget about it. So at the end of
the year, I have a few days to myself.

There was a spider on my refrigerator, I couldn't kill it. So, I handcuffed him.
Later on, he talked me into letting him go. Then I killed him.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. That pisses me
off. When no one is looking, I'll go over to the little babies lying, and say, "What
are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life."

Little baby will be lying on a little dish towel, trying to get a little tan, to impress
his little friends. "See my diaper line?"

Came home late one night, I had the remote control thing for the TV rather than
the garage door opener. I was out in front of my house clicking away. The house
kept changing. I finally got it back to the original house, I just left the car outside.
Then, I went in. I was watching TV, with the garage door opener. I pushed the
button, and then the screen went up. There were little rakes and lawn mowers inside.

My favorite chair is a wicker chair. It's my favorite chair because I stole it. I was at
a party, a crowded party. When no one was looking, I went over to it and unraveled
it. I stuck it through the keyhole in the door. The girl that was in it was almost killed.

My girlfriend hates it when we take a bath together and I practice skipping rocks. Now
that she sits down at the same end as me, it's not as much fun.

I was in bed with her the other night laying there reading my second-hand diary that
I bought.

You know the pajamas with the feet? I just have the feet.

You know when you put a stick in the water, it looks like it is bent, but it really isn't?
That's why I don't take baths.

So, I'm laying there and she says to me, "Let me ask you this." I said, "What?" She
says, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No." She said, "Forget it, then."

So, I get out of the bed and I figured I would go for a walk. She said, "How long are
you going to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."

I'm walking down the street and I see stapled to a telephone pole a poster. It said,
"Reward. Lost $50.00. If found, just keep it."
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