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Random Thoughts As We Age...

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time! When I was a child I thought Nap
Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have wisdom highlights. I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece
of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which
is shorter than "yes."

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'm gonna do
that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people?"

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my spouse took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll
my eyes out loud?

At my age Getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant, which
means ... Chocolate is Salad!
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