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The Revenoor, a most discerning and astute gentleman from out west,
sent this collection of actual announcements from several airlines...

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

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On landing, the flight attendant said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four
ways out of this airplane."

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten
off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?'

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has
shifted after a landing like that."

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly
windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having
to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo... Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City.
(I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY.)

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
asphalt."

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
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