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'Tis the season for employee Christmas/Holiday parties...

......................................A Letter of Apology.......................................

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of
unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a dirty son of a bltch to
my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day,
I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to
everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to
talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday
afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother
a Chinese streetwalker. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying
her for 50¢ in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are
undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly
I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the
glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that
you did seem to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the
banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture
you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed
it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. Had
I known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that
fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really
broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course,
I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure
have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly
must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin
on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get
together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found
you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very
embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that
old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I
was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's underwear on fire seemed funny at the time, and it
makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks
were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to
come to the picnic...
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