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El Lobo Reservado, a sagacious gentleman from out west, sent this one
about getting older...

Been There, Done That...

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Tia said to me. I
dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint, two dimes, and something
that used to be a breath mint. Having already handed the kid a five-spot,
I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid
behind the counter with the Tickle Me Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then I heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I'm only 62, not even 65 yet! A mere child! Me? A
Senior citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering
what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in my truck, my blood
began to boil.

Old? Me? I'll show him... I thought. I opened the door and headed back
inside. I strode to the counter and there he was, waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

He said, "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could really happen
to anyone! I turned and headed back to my truck. I slipped the key into t
he ignition, but it wouldn't turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when
I noticed the purple beads hanging from the rear view mirror . I had no
beads hanging from my rear view mirror. Then, a few other objects came
into focus... the car seat in the back seat... Happy Meal toys all over the
floorboard. Faster than you can say Holy Shllt, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That's when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I
reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found. I swung the
truck around, gathered my courage, and strode into the restaurant one
final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I
could think was, What is this world coming to?

All I could say was "Did I leave my food and drink here?" (At this point I
was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my truck, and then go
straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.)

Elmo had no clue.

I walked back out to my truck, and suddenly a young boy came up and
tugged on my shirt to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and
a bag.

His mother explained, "I think you left this in our truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like
this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 down Del Rosa.
Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, as I told the
officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in my front door, I threw the bag of cold food and a $500
speeding ticket on the counter. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and
covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
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