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Abie, a somewhat shy and retiring gentleman who lives a bit southwest,
sent this one about a child's view of the Bible. While I may have posted
something similar awhile back, this one did make me chuckle and, since
today is Sunday, I thought I'd do a re-share...

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

(This is amazing... I wonder how often we take for granted that
children understand what we are teaching?)

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is
what was written:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, The Lord thy God is One,
but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me
a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam
and made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden... Not sure what they
were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had
a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all
of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a
million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one
of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family
and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but
they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil
Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them
His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke,
dance, or covet our neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and
500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't
have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New testament. Jesus is the star
of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish
I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to
me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn? It would be nice to
say, "As a matter of fact I was."

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys
put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.
He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is
foretold in the book of Revolution.

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