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God and Lawn Care

GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in
the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened
to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons
ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to
see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these
green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and
went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow
it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it - sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we
cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That
was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In
the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to
keep moisture in thesoil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a
natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have
drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into
great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the
mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a story about...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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