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Dragnet, a most perspicacious gentleman who lives a bit southwest, sent
this one on the subject of retirement...

A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on
Florida's southeast coast. We are living in the Delray/Boca/Boynton Golf,
Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee. There are 3,000 lakes
in Florida; only three are real.

Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we
going to do all day? Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.
Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our
car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes.
It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and one hour to
return the item the next day.

Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick
breakfast and join the Early Morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about
30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once.
Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am.
After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go
back home, shower and change for the next activity.

My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed
by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my Ask Me About My Grandchildren
T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the
clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.

Before we know it, it's time for lunch. We go to Costco to partake of the
many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a
filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the
flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a nice Rolex
watch for $2.00.

We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start
lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because
we're late eaters. The dinners are very popular because of the large portions
they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner,
including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda,
along with mints.

At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're
fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the
night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old
magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind. Calling
for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting
through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected
to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes
off to lunch.

Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding
opportunity to help the less fortunate. Florida has the largest concentration of
seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for The
Vertically Challenged Over 80. I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers.
The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence
on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or bottom feeders as we refer to them,
because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves There are many foods they've
never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their
cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names
are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth.
Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference
-- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap b@stard.

I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees.

If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the
Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.
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