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Huck Finn, a truly perceptive gentleman from the upper midwest sent this one...
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...................The Incisive Wit of Phyllis Diller (1917-2012)...................

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so
will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk
before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the
same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in
with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that
keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just
been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk
and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

If it weren't for football, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the
steam iron.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about
short and cheap?

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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