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Abie, a somewhat shy and retiring gentleman who lives southwest, sent this
one the subject of retired husbands...

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the
local Target store.

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of
you from this store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed
below and have been documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them into other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3
in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her
assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn
resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing
the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the
bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the
Mission Impossible theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, Madonna Look, using
different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled:
"PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed
a fetal position and screamed: "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked: "Where is the fitting
room?"

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled
very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.
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