The Chip Board Archive 22

NCR ~ Thursday Humor... 12:18 AM, EDT

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Abie, a somewhat shy and retiring gentleman who lives a bit southwest, sent this
interesting compendium...

Aphorisms - Political and Otherwise

An aphorism is a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise/clever observation or a general truth.

Political

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
- Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
- Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches,
there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. - Will Rogers

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber. - Plato

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I am
beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your
opponents will do it for you. - Author Unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out
and buy some more tunnel. - John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from
the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. - Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop
telling the truth about them. - Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Texas Guinan

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition,
be disqualified from ever doing so. - Gore Vidal

I have come to the conclusion that politics is much too serious a matter to be left to
the politicians. - Charles de Gaulle

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it
bears a very close resemblance to the first. - Ronald Reagan

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
- Doug Larson

Don't vote, it only encourages them. - Author Unknown

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.
- Will Rogers

Otherwise

~ The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
~ Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
~ If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
~ Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
~ A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
~ How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
~ Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
~ Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
~ Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
~ No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
~ There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
~ There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4:00 AM... like, it could be the right number.
~ No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
~ I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
~ Be careful about reading the fine print... there's no way you're going to like it.
~ The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
~ Do you realize that in about 40 years we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
~ Money can't buy happiness... but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
~ After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.
~ Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind... and the ones that mind don't matter.
~ Life isn't tied with a bow... but it's still a gift.

And remember ... "Politicians and diapers should be changed often and for the same reason."
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