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Some Old, Some New...

Ya Might Be A Redneck If:

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of most admired people.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

The Bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it..

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen start your engines.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."

Your junior prom had a day-care.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with.

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve

Fewer than half of your cars run.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is Bondo.

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell you looking at, Shlthead?"

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

You use the term over yonder more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words Trucking Institute.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet Ms. Right.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

The directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call ___" because you feel guilty about putting it there...

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You call your boss Buddy on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom commode in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You participate in the who can spit tobacco the farthest contest.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You mow your grass and find three cars.

The biggest city you've been to is Wal-Mart.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them

You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!

You gene pool doesn't have a deep end.

Your huntin dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

When a sign that says Say No To Crack! reminds you to pull up your jeans.

You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

Buck Naked Line Dancing isn't a videotape, it's Ladies Night at the local bar.

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.

Dolly Parton reminds you of the Grand Tetons. (of course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "

Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
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