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Undeniable Truths

1. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

2. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

3. Bad decisions make good stories.

4. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish
a text.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again

8. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

9. Was learning cursive really necessary?

10. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

11. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

12. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart,"
all I really hear is: "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

13. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a shlthead from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

14. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples,
I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I
had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said, "Yes that's G as in...
(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

15. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

16. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it... thanks, Mario Kart.

17. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

18. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you just how
the person died.

19. I really find it hard to believe there are actually people who get into
the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

20. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the
Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

21. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

22. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? I mean... I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't
be a problem....

23. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to be doing
anything productive for the rest of the day.

24. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I really
don't want to have to restart my collection.

25. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

26. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear
I did not make any changes to.

27. Do not machine wash or tumble dry usually means I will never wash
this. Ever!

28. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

29. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then
I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

30. Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

31. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but
no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

32. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

33. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

34. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know
not to answer when they call.

35. The first testicular guard the Cup, was used in Hockey in 1874 and
the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for
men to realize that their brain is also important.

36. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey –
but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
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