|
|
|
.
.
EllyMae, a most gracious lady from the Deep South, sent this one on
the subject of Grits...
Being from South, y'all know, we know a thing or three about Grits...
What Are Grits?
(Nobody Knows)
Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by little
persons by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many
people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These
are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good
as a Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that
the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their
time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.
Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and
red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish His
people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes
over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in
South Georgia, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull
dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners
lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after
morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the
question).
We know that Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call
them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of
Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have
also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits
(Remains only a rumor)
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient
Israelites in the Sinai Desert.
After that, the Grits was not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that
the Grits was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and
was kept from the public due to it's rarity.
The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of
Pompeii in a woman's personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan.
The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus.
(Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I - Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II - Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III - Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits
V - Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI - Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII - Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII - Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX - Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch .
X - Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
(If you can stand the heat)
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add
5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.
When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to
cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy: Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove
the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes.
Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
(If you really care to)
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion
of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter
should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a
yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct
amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure
to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever
ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they can
cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt.
(NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you
should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your
grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. (DO NOT use cream or,
heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because
Yankees will think it's Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits
(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the
refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning,
slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they
turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this
way. This is, of course, totally unacceptable, but delicious!.
REDNECK BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the Lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
|
|