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Things Only A Southerner Knows...

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption
fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them but "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show, or point out to you,,the general direction of
"yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town,
be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle
of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term,
but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the very best gesture of solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble s a real crisis, they also know to add a
large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues,"
we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related,
even if only by marriage.

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies
who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your
own way.

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind
of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless
his heart." As in: "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd
roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or:"Bless her heart, she's so blind,
she couldn't see the moon shine."

There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though
she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it
weighed 10 pounds." As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult
can't be all that bad.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new
Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and
he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart,
cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this.
After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years
ago.
"Can you believe it?" she said to her friend. "A child of mine is going to
be taaaallllkkin' liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong, some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless
their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for
authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints
that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts,
don't like cornbread!

The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun to
act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too much! I was
raised to swanee, not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore,
I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying that
something is "right much"; "right close" or "right good" because non-natives think
this is right funny indeed.

I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's truly hilarious when I say I've got to
"carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle
every time I am "fixing" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't know
where "over yonder" is, or what, "I reckon" means.

My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being
ugly, but she could've stayed home."

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: take two
tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless
your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this
Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time,
ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South
but I got here as fast as I could."
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