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Dragnet, a very discerning gentleman who lives a bit southwest, sent this one
on New Jersey drivers…

Seriously, there are really only two things needed to drive effectively in NJ:
A horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous, including knowing
where you are going.

For those of you who live in Jersey or have lived there, these things may come
as no surprise. For those of you who have never traveled there before:
Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid.... Be Very Afraid.

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork,
not New-ark. Also, Trenton is not pronounced Tren-ton, it is Trent-in.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is
from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway
it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Sissy.."
(Just ask the former Governor of NJ)

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version
of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at
a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in
Monmouth and Burlington counties, SUV-driving, cellphone-talking moms
ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out,
and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can
get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour
barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle
of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels,
cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other
roadkill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.

9. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they
are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved
each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder
immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are
considered a road hazard and will be flipped off accordingly. If you return the
flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday
appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church
on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.