FRACTURED NURSERY RHYMES

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.

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Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half,
They didn't go up for water.

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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumbass!"

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said "F__k him, He's only an egg."

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Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

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Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

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Little Miss Muffet
sat on a tuffet
eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
who sat down beside her
and said: "What's in the bowl b!tch?"

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Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner
Dead...

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Little Miss Muffett
sat on a tuffett,
covered in gasoline.
along came a spider,
with a butane lighter,
and blew her to smithereens.

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Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly b@stard!

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There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad…
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

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