I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.... Then things get worse.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum mechanics: The stuff dreams are made of.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without sunshine is, like, night.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The buck doesn't even slow down here!

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Eschew obfuscation.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I can resist anything but temptation

God must love stupid people, he made so many.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!"

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots... I married their king.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
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