Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, it's still popular.

Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My mind is like a steel trap: rusty and illegal in 37 states.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and driving against traffic.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

All good things in moderation ..... including moderation

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.

Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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