April 1, 2009

(Developing Story)

The Post has learned of a little reported event. President Obama has signed an Executive Order revising the rules for seven card poker games, including Texas Holdem. The simple language contained in Executive Order 2009-4 states as follows:

“As of July 1, 2009, the rules of all seven card poker games and Holdem are revised as follows: ‘henceforth, three pair will bet three of a kind’.”

The Post has obtained a copy of the Justice Department report to the President that led to the Order. The report contains many references to complains from players that felt they had been cheated by rules that allowed their three pair to be beaten by a mere three of a kind. Studies by the University of Chicago supported the complaints by finding that it was indeed harder to draw three pair than three of a kind, and therefore the existing rule made no sense mathematically. The President in signing the Order said “… I don’t play poker but this is the kind of change I support”.

Upon hearing news of the Order, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated “…this is wonderful for the children of the nation, and has long been on my list of changes that we needed to implement”. When told by a reporter that children were not allowed to play poker, Speaker Pelosi replied”…I find it hard to believe in this day and age we are still discriminating against children…”. When the reporter further explained that people gambled playing poker, Speaker Pelosi strongly stated “I am shocked, shocked that uncaring adults would gamble while playing a child’s game. I intend to sponsor legislation that will put an end to this abuse.”

Caught off guard by the Executive Order, the National Poker Player’s Association appealed to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsberg to review the legality of the Order. Moving swiftly the Court voted 8-1 to support the Order. Writing for the minority Justice Scalia stated “Why in hell is the Supreme Court dealing with the rules of poker?” However, in writing for the majority Justice Ginsberg wrote “…it was wise for the Association to bring the legality of this Order to our attention. The President does not have the authority to discriminate against other games of poker. Therefore, we are amending the Order to also apply to five-card poker games as well. And, to facilitate the Order a sixth card must be dealt to all players in a five card game.”

Not willing to incur further wrath from the Administration regarding convention tourism to Las Vegas, Strip casinos have begun adopting the new rules in their poker rooms, much to the confusion of their players. However, in Florida, Chief Yellowhawk of the Seminole Nation remarked “This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of. We have no intention of implementing such idiotic rules”. When informed by the Justice Department that this was now the law of the land, Chief Yellowhawk replied “…let me remind the Great White Father, that the Seminoles have never signed a peace treaty with the white man.”

Upon hearing of Chief Yellowhawk’s comments, Vice President Joe Bidden immediately called up all ten members of the Delaware National Guard and dispatched them to Florida to protect the citizens in case of a Seminole uprising. The troops are being billeted at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in order to be close to the front. Guard General Tom Smith, a used car salesman from Dover, reports that he is concerned because all member of the unit have found employment at the Casino as poker dealers when their tour of duty is over, and they may not return to Delaware.

Speaker Pelosi’s Bill titled “Save Poker for the Children” has passed the House on a party line vote, and moved to the Senate. President Obama has signaled he will sign the legislation if passed by the Senate.

(Developing Story)