Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

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Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked, '"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep" he replied.

"That's why I dumpin' it here, cause it says: Fine For Dumping Garbage."

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Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied, "Because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

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Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."

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Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D.?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

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North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."

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Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

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South Carolina

You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North...

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BASIC SOUTHERNER KNOWLEDGE

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit , and that you don't HAVE them, you PITCH them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up a mess.

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonder.

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long directly is, as in: Goin' to town, be back directly.

Even Southern babies know that Gimme some sugar is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

A Southerner understands that when someone calls you a mess, it is a term of endearment and not an insult!! - All Southerners know exactly when by and byis. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between right near and a right far piece. They also know that just down the road can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines... and when we're in line, we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, Well, I caught myself lookin', you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say sweet tea and sweet milk. Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. Sweet milk means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart..." and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads, I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.
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