ON THE ISSUES:

Guaranteed Health Care: ban all HMO's and medical insurance. Outlaw the American Medical Association. Change the medical deductions on the 1040 to 100%. Result: People will shop for their medical needs, thereby reducing inflated prices of pharmaceuticals, laboratories, doctors, and hospitals. After all, medical insurance is designed to guarantee that the medical industry be paid, not that people receive adequate treatment.
Social Security: Since when?
Education: The Government should stay out of it. Government interference only perpetuates existing stupidity.
Welfare: Get a job.
National Security: Who would be stupid enough to invade the U.S.? And what would they do with us if they won? Would it be any worse than what we have now?
Congress: Cut salaries to what these idiots are worth. Minium wage for entry level.
Protecting the public from itself: The government has no business interfering in people's lives or protecting us from our own stupidity.
Lobbyists and Special Interests: Tax all cash flow at 50%. Tax all religious institutions that engage in politics. (separation of church and state works both ways)
Equal Rights: Get over it.
Personal Income Tax: Dump it. Flat tax corporations 50% of gross with no deductions

ON THE CANDIDATE:

He decided to run for office because the other candidates were all so boring.
He has never failed at business, defrauded the Small Business Administration, sought special favors from the Government, or inhaled.
His brother never fixed his election.
He has no wife to cheat on.
He is not a politician and makes no promises, which he wouldn't keep anyway.
He has never been investigated by 60 Minutes, ATF, IRS, or the National Inquirer. He doesn't know Matt Drudge or that Coulter woman.
Heads of State: "I don't know them. They're all foreigners anyway."
Despite his resemblence to the incumbent, he is not related to the Bushes or the Walkers.

ON REFORMING THE GOVERNMENT:

Merge the Department of Justice, FBI, CIA, DIA, and ATF. Move them all to a compound in Area 51 and post National Guard or Reservist MP's as sentries.
Disband the IRS, lay off all employees and relocate them to their own "retirement" community in Area 51.
I Want Your Vote on Election Day!
Vote Early, and Vote Often

But just remember: If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

Paid for by the Friends of Alfred E. Neuman for President