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Listen up City Slickers !
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "dirt road." I drive a pickup
truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get
dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to
you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Rt. 24
goes east and west, I-57 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines
and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in ILLINOIS waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming
in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of
age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats,
vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. Oh,
yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you
eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served
over ice.
14. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers
and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it
spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community
Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love
for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for
the holidays.
18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the
best.
19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't
music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your
boxers. Refer back to #1.
20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive like you got some
sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the
grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole
day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the
next day.
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