FRACTURED NURSERY RHYMES

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
The doctors were surprised.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JACK AND JILL went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JACK AND JILL went up the hill
Each had a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
They didn't go up for water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack be nimble
Jack be quick
Her husband's hired
A private dick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb a$$."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses
And all the king's men
Jumped the queen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LITTLE JACK HORNER
Sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie
Stuck in his thumb
Pulled out a plum
And said, "What an a$$ I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LITTLE JACK HORNER
Sat in the corner
Dead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And asked, "What's in the bowl, b!tch?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~