Subject: Scientists Discover Heaviest Element Ever

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "bushcronium." Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol for bushcronium is "w." Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that bushcronium is formed when morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass." When catalyzed with money, bushcronium activates foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude and more energy, albeit as incoherent noise. Foxnewsium has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.