LAS VEGAS JOKES
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From Ray Romano: "Las Vegas is the only place where I've had to cancel a wake-up call because I hadn't gone to bed yet. They should have a go-to-bed call."
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Richard Jeni: "What's the dream of the people playing nickel slots? What are they hoping for? 'Now I can afford that new pack of Tic Tacs, baby!'".
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Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture
circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
~ Author Unknown.
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A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back 3 a.m. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree." The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."
~ Author Unknown.
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You Know You're From Las Vegas When...
You've played slots... in a 7-11.
Your car payment is more than your rent.

Your McDonald's has a hand-painted portrait of Marilyn & Elvis.
The slot machines in the airport drown out the PA announcements.
You've attended a drive through wedding.
You've been to a museum... inside a casino.
You refer to the Monorail as the Monofail.
Women think of breast implants as a career enhancement investment.
You know that the Spaghetti Bowl is not related to food but a daily traffic jam.
You know that I-95 is not a major highway but a permanent construction zone!
You refer to the show at the MGM Grand as the.....KaKa Show!===========================================================================
Las Vegas has all the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. ~Jason Love.
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Las Vegas is like how God would do it,if he had money. ~ Steve Wynn.
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Las Vegas is a city built by tourists with bad math skills. -Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller.
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It's a corny old gag about Las Vegas, the temporal city if there ever was one, trying to camouflage the hours and retard the dawn, when everybody knows that if you're feeling lucky you're really feeling time in its rawest form, and if you're not feeling lucky, they've got a clock at the bus station. ~Michael Herr.
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In the case of an earthquake hitting Las Vegas, be sure to go to the Keno Lounge. Nothing ever gets hit there~ Author Unknown.
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When a gambler says "I broke even." They really mean "that the two grand they lost at the beginning doesn't count." ~ Author Unknown.
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When the Las Vegas weatherman says "It's gonna be warm out there."He really means that the plastic in your car will revert to its molten state.~ Author Unknown.
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Guy is walking down the strip when a man comes out of Caesar's Palace and stops him. he says, "Sir, my wife needs $30 worth of medicine. Can you be so kind as to give me $30 for my wife's prescription?"
The guy replies, "If I give you $30, you're just going to go back inside and gamble it away." The man replies, "Oh no! I have gambling money!."--Submitted by Fred Weinberg, Publisher of the Penny Press (a Las Vegas weekly newspaper -> www.pennypresslv.com).
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A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas. She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty. So she went to the soft drink machine in the hall. She put $1.00 in and a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out. A man saw her, and he said: "What are you doing?" And the sexy blonde replied: "Duh!! Winning!!!" --Submitted by the girls in the "Crazy Girls" show at the Riviera.
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In Vegas breasts are more than just a body part, they're entertainment. I know this woman that went for her mammogram and there was a 2-drink minimum. -Submitted by Frank Marino, the star of "An Evening at La Cage" show at the Riviera.
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Do you know the difference between Washington and Las Vegas? In Vegas, the drunks gamble with their own money! - Jay Leno.
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Las Vegas is the only city in the world where you can arrive in a $21,000 Ford, gamble 24 hours a day, and leave in a $400,000 Greyhound bus.- Anonymous.
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There are more prayers said in any Las Vegas casino or Sportsbook than in any Church, Temple or House of Worship. - The late Larry Edelman of Sportsfax.
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A couple, on vacation in Las Vegas, is having an argument in their hotel room."How could you lose $200 playing slots!" he yells"Why are you yelling at me," she says, "you lost $3,000 shooting craps!"
He says "Yeah, but I know how to gamble."- The late, great Buddy Hackett.

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