These are some of the lessons I have learned in life.

1.. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6.. There's not one shred of evidence which supports the notion that life is serious.

7.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9.. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

10.. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

11.. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

12.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

13.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

14.. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

15.. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real World.

16.. Never lick a steak knife.

17. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

18.. Any person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19.. Your friends love you anyway.

20.. A lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic...think about it.