I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . . . . . . . Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it . I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me...

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door!

=============================================

New Living Will Form

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Martini

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Bloody Mary

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a glass of Chardonnay

______a Steak

______Lobster or crab legs

______The remote control

______a bowl of ice cream

______The sports page

______Chocolate

______Sex

It should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature: ___________________________

Date: ___________________________

NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes . If anyone knows the name of this happy place PLEASE pass it on!

============================================
Subject: FW: Coffee
>
>
>
>
> A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to
> visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into
> complaints about stress in work and life.
>
>
>
> Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and
returned
> with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic,
> glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite -
telling
> them to help themselves to the coffee.
>
>
>
> When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:
> "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up,
leaving
> behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want
only
> the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
>
>
>
> Be assured the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee in most cases,
> just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all
of
> you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for
the
> best cups... and then began eyeing each other's cups.
>
>
>
> Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position
in
> society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and
the
> type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we
live.
> Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee
God
> has provided us."
>
>
>
> God brews the coffee, not the cups.......... enjoy your coffee.
>

===========================================

SKINNY DIPPING IN FLORIDA

An older man had owned a large farm in Florida for many years. The
property had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming.

He had fixed it up nice with some picnic tables and umbrellas for shade,
and he had planted a sizable peach orchard around the pond, which was bearing
prize-winning fruit.

One evening the old farmer took a look at the calendar and
calculated that the peaches must be about ready for picking. So he grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit, and started walking down to the pond. As
he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee, and as he
came closer h! e saw t hat it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in
his pond.

When the women became aware of his presence they all dived under
the water and swam to the deeper end of the pond. Finally, one of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old gentleman answered, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the
bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"

Moral: Some older men can still think fast.

=============================================
Apple stock

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed
computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.