1. A man came into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs --- and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San
Antonio , TX .

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard
Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new
one every six hours and Now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him
quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had
over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old
patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr.
Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard
Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient
had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she
was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep
off the grass." Once the surgery was completed , the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name