Credit Dragnet, a gentleman who lives southeast, with this one...

The Johnsons were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Johnson kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to..."

Mrs. Johnson cut in, "Oh, no need to explain. Come in, please."

"Really?" the photographer asked, "Well, good! My specialty is babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

Photographer: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath tub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes, the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!"

Mrs. Johnson: "Bath tub, couch, bed, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

Photographer: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one ever time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

Mrs. Johnson: "My, my, that's a lot of action."

Photographer: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but, you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

Mrs. Johnson (muttering) - "Don't I know it."

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

Mrs. Johnson: "Oh my god!!"

Photographer: "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs. Johnson: "She was difficult?"

Photographer: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Johnson: "Four and five deep?" Her eyes widened in amazement.

Photographer: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate! Then, darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Johnson (leaning forward) - "You mean they actually chewed on your, um, equipment?"

Photographer: "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Johnson: "Tripod?"

Photographer: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?? Good Lord, she's fainted!"