Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@stard.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came back with two and a half
They didn't go up for water.

Simple Simon met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you stupid a$$!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses and all the kings' men,
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Jack be nimble,
Jack be spry.
Her husband's hired
A private eye.

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And said, "What's in the bowl, b!tch?"

Hey diddle diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.

Mary Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
and one f*#%$@% petunia.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl and she had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad...
She was horrid
But she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.