Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “What is the best thing about being 104?” She replied, “No peer pressure.”

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: “The female dorm is off-limits for male students, and the male dorm for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180. Questions?” A young man raised his hand. “How much is a season pass?”

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103. When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck. The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, “ All right, pal, I’ll let you stay, but don’t start anything.

These two green beans are crossing the freeway when one of them is hit by an 18-wheeler. His friend scrapes him up and rushes him to the hospital. After hours of surgery, the doctor says, “ I have good news and bad news.” The healthy green bean says, “Okay, give me the good news first.” “Well, he’s going to live.” “So, what’s the bad news?” “ The bad news is he’ll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

A woman goes to the drugstore and asks for arsenic. “What do you want arsenic for?” the pharmacist asks. “I want to kill my husband,” she replies. “He’s having an affair with another woman.” “I can’t sell you arsenic to kill your husband,” says the pharmacist, “even if he is cheating.” The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist’s wife. The druggist turns pale and replies, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”