Okay, so I know this is a couple of weeks late, but I've been very busy. I was in a bar waiting for an oil change next door, and I picked up this local paper called City Life. Don't really know how to describe it, other than it's the kind of paper they give away for free in bars!

This was in the April First (hint hint) edition, and I made a note in my handy dandy digital recorder to see if it was online so I could copy and paste the article. The good news is that it's so funny I roared. The bad news is that the paper had an artist's rendering of the new property that wasn't on the web.

I just got around to it, and, lo and behold, here 'tis!

Besides, it seems with the big news posted earlier and the sure to come explosion, we could all use a good laugh. Enjoy!

-Tyrus

Stupak to present Yucca Mountain-themed resort to Planning Commission

In a city inundated with fearless gamblers, Bob Stupak has earned a reputation as the ultimate risk-taker. He once challenged a computer to a game of no-limit poker; he wagered $1 million on Super Bowl XXIII; and, more recently, he spent millions of dollars building the tallest structure west of the Mississippi River, the Stratosphere hotel-casino.

But these bets seem like sure things compared to Stupak's latest gamble.

On April 4, the self-proclaimed "Polish Maverick" will present his latest hotel-casino proposal to the Clark County Planning Commission. If approved, the 2,200-room Yucca Mountain Hotel, Casino & Amusement Park - as Stupak has billed the estimated $650 million project - will be located across from Mandalay Bay and feature a nuclear waste theme.

"Not a detail will be spared," assured Stupak, whose Titanic-themed timeshare was stymied by the Las Vegas City Council in May 1999. "It will be the most detailed theme the Strip has ever seen."

According to Stupak, the hotel-casino will be made of beige plexiglass and shaped like proposed nuke waste dump Yucca Mountain. Its 200-foot-tall marquee will be fashioned to resemble a mushroom cloud, and a pair of nuclear reactors will explode every 15 minutes in front of the resort. A roller coaster, the Atomic Accelerator, will circle the 78-acre property. And an arrangement of lights atop the hotel-casino's convention center will project the nuclear hazard symbol onto the western sky.

"Kinda like the Batman logo," explained the 59-year-old Stupak.

The resort's interior, said Stupak, will be fluorescent green and all dealers will be decked in HAZMAT suits. With a nod to the Yucca Mountain Project, pit bosses will wear lab coats and hard hats, and be referred to as "scientists."

The proposed hotel-casino is also expected to include a spacious shopping mall, which Stupak indicated will feature an upscale Japanese restaurant named Hiroshima and a trendy vodka bar named Chernobyl.

"The nuke waste is coming," declared Stupak. "We have to accept that. We have to make tourists comfortable with the idea that 77,000 tons of high-level nuclear waste is going to be stored right up the street. What's the big deal?"

Apparently, Stupak has the support of the gambling industry.

"First off, I hate your f*cking paper, because you're always taking this position," said MGM Mirage Senior Vice President Alan Feldman. "Secondly, I really think Bob is onto something. The gaming industry has ignored the issue long enough. Now is the time to recognize it and openly accept it."

The item is expected to go before the Planning Commission during its morning session. If approved, Stupak indicated that construction on the project will begin immediately.

"Why wait?" asked the veteran casino operator, shrugging his shoulders. "The future of Southern Nevada gambling is at stake."