by Dave Berry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours with
them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe
with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message
to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a
person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your
life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a
way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there
is always one individual who perceives a solution and
is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get
up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is
gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you
a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at
that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about your
birthday. That time is age 11.

16. "The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.